Kneel

I'm impressive, even in Lego.





















Fear Me,
Darth Rev.

Side of Ewok

While on the theme of entrepreneurs, I would be remiss if I didn't mention one of my minions who advanced from sous chef to managing his own restaurant. He graduated from my evil culinary school, before I started First Imperialist. I may have to do a post later talking about the evils involved with cooking (you already know my stance on poisoned pastries).

He made the best sauces by the way, and could make anything into a feast. Right now, his restaurant is including a free side with dinner: a head of Ewok.


This is a real boon to his business - people flock from systems away to try this delicacy. It's a delicacy because no one wants to fly to Endor, traipse about a jungle moon, hunt down a feral midget wookie, just to take his head, and bake it (I can't tell you what else he does to the head, but it's delicious, anyways - it's a trade secret).

It is very delicious, if you don't mind picking ewok hair out of your food.... and you thought that the chilled monkey brains in Indiana Jones looked good?! Hah - just wait till you screw off the skull from an Ewok - Mmmmmm. It makes what's left of my mouth water just thinking about it. Don't believe me? I find your lack of faith annoying.

If you do not have hyperspace technology, I suggest you just keep this on your "places I'd like to visit before I die" list, right up there with Disney World or the Dunes of Sarlac. He might have a different special in place by the time you get there, but there are lots of semi-sentient races in our universe that tastes great with gravy.

Darth Rev

Pimp my Rev

no comments needed

go forth and be evil, or at least ornery and ill-tempered with frick'n lazer beams...

Darth Rev, more machine now than man; twisted and evil :)

If only they were evil laughs

Alright, I know that this doesn't really fit with my blog - but for those of you who have not seen this - it is a must see. You can't watch this without smiling. The little ones are so cute. I'll just hope that some day, their cuteness will be used for evil, much like Darth Elmo.

Darth Rev

Palpatine's Marketing

This is why I thought that it would be alright for me to start my toaster line - even Palpatine is getting into the marketing thing. He not only has his complete guide to facial care, but he has his own line of health care products - move over Mary Kay!

Tired of looking like you are only 35, when you are actually 40? Well, with Palpatine's skin regiment, not only will your skin look years older, but you will gain serious freaky points towards your evil aura.

Don't kids want to look older? Trust me, the Emperor never gets carded, though I suppose he could use a Sith mind trick if he did. "You already saw my identification, you want to buy me a slurpee." I know I've had a few free slurpees in my day - but I digress. Skin care. Forget free radicals, think midichlorians!

Honest - this stuff works, I tried it on a baby a few years ago - and BAM! - Dick Cheney!

Speaking of Dick Cheney, some people have wondered why I keep mentioning him. Well, it's no wonder to those who have actually met him - he and the emperor are one in the same!

There used to be some speculation that he was actually my father. I just have to say "That's not true! That's impossible!" Besides, we all know that I was born from a virgin, who conceived via midichlorians - those horny little microscopic organisms. Though, he does look good in my armor, shame it took me weeks to get the smell out.

By the way, I'm tired of everyone complaining saying that I'm not the first one to be immaculately conceived and start a religion! I know, I know - but I don't think that you can really compare me to Jesus - I mean, I don't have a Mexican accent. Stop groaning - it was a joke, I know you mean the Jewish carpenter, not my gardener.

Have an evil day - and let the bed bugs bite - haha, I just wanted to see if you'd do it. I'll be looking for little red welts on Sunday.

Darth Rev

Evil Cake

One thing that our new followers might not have realized is that evil has a sweet tooth. This lust for sweets and the lust for evil and power becomes a dangerous situation for some, as illustrated by this cake from Cake Wrecks.

Cake Wrecks is definitely one of the better blogs in the world. In spite of it's limited focus on evil, there are plenty of examples of evil cakes - both intentional and accidental. If you ever want to know how a pastry can be evil (not counting calories or the occasional poisoned cake), just ask Jen about the dreaded CCC (Cup-Cake Cake). It is my belief that some day the CCC will join the empire and attempt to destroy civilization as we know it. It will make an ugly cake - but hey, there's frosting.

But I sense that you have a question - and I'm proud of you for asking, because it shows just how evil you are, and that you want to get your worst enemies (or perhaps a wookie) a cake. An EVIL cake, a poisoned cake - with or without bon bons.

You have to go no farther than http://brog.engrish.com/ to find the perfect bakery for evil baked goods. Of course, you may have to take a long flight to the other side of the world.

Mmmmm poisoned cupcakes. That's how Darth Sweet-tooth died. Of course, his apprentice gave him the cupcake, and with the power of the force, Darth Sweet-tooth found out that it was poisoned, but alas, it just looked sooooo good with those deadly sprinkles that he ate it anyway. Hey, I never said that evil was smart, sometimes evil is just dumb - like in world's dumbest criminals.


Darth Rev

Loyal Fan

An "Open" protest rally, where you can protest anything you want. Oh, the loyalty - trying to get the message out. Spread that message of hate (against the alliance), intolerance (of anything Wookie), and available cookies!

Remember, the dark side is just more fun. Next time you're in a protest - show your pride by using a random sign kept in your trunk, advertising First Imperialist! Mwahaha.

Now go, my little flock - Spread the word - and kick an Ewok for me.
Darth Rev

My Marketing Idea - Who doesn't like toast?

First of all - Who doesn't like toast, but it's even better when you can start the day off with a bit of evil in bread form! Start you day off by eating my head burned into toast - hmmm, maybe I didn't think this one out so well.

The toaster works on regular electricity - but uses midichlorians to make the design. You know what's on the other side of the toast? ... The backside of my helmet!!! Hahaha, I thought that would be funny. No? well, who asked you then? Bah. Well, keep putting money in the collection plate, that way I can finance these great ideas. Come to think of it, the back of my helmet does kinda look like a burned smudge all over the bread. Guess I'm just not as smart as the other entrepreneurs, just wait till you see Lando's.

Maybe I need a catchy slogan to go along with my toaster. Maybe something like:

• It's the dark side - in bread form
• Start your day off by eating a sith head
• No day is complete without gazing upon the image of Darth Rev
• It's like instant sacrament from the toaster!
• This toast boosts your midichlorian count
• That's not burnt toast - that's just some evil on it

Of course I need to put a disclaimer on it:

• Not available on alliance planets
• Not all claims have been verified by the FDA
• The FDA has no way of measuring "evil," though it can tell you how many calories are in Tofu
• The Empire is not responsible for your burnt toast
• Don't leave the bread in too long, stupid.
• There is no "light" setting on purpose! Just dark or darker toast, it's an evil thing.
• Evil Toast may be hazardous to small pets and Ewoks

Have an unpleasant day, and may all your stuffed animals turn evil and try to revolt - then you can show them the true power of the dark side! Just make one of your minions clean up the batting afterwards.

Darth Rev

Marketing, marketing everywhere

In this economy, there are so many get rich schemes - and more and more people are trying to start their own businesses. The Empire's cronies are also trying to make a buck any way they know how.

Normally, I despise this type of behavior - trying to make a buck off the empire, or the Star Wars universe in general is pretty pathetic - and what about poor ole Lucas? Doesn't he need the millions of residuals himself? just think about how hard this economic downturn is on the super-rich! They have to use only one or two nannies, downsize to two butlers and a driver or two. They are used to such luxury that they need every dime of their millions per month. But I digress - like a good sith, you want to know "what's in it for you?"

That's easy - money. All you need is an idea and a business plan. This week, I want to inspire you by looking at some of the products that our entrepreneurial brotheren have been marketing. Some of these include the emperor himself, Lando, a Storm Trooper Cafe and more, so stay tuned.

Darth Rev

Disney-Vader Land

Darth Rev has taken a vacation to Disneyland, and spent a little bit of time in Tomorrowland improving his image to the younglings. There were mixed reviews:

CNN: Darth Vader has been working on improving his image by being a pincushion for little Jedi in training.

AWN (All Wookie Network): Woooog Awrrawg Wooook Sluuuur Woog

RAT (Rebel Alliance Television): Don't trust him - he is finding some nefarious purpose in going to Disneyland. Just because he was pretending to be stabbed by play lightsabers doesn't mean he isn't doing something evil.

EEN (Evil Empire News): Lord Vader has taken a summer job, being humiliated by the Jedi. Some speculate that after these performances, he absconds with the most talented padawans and twists them to his own personal brand of evil (which is available at all good mercantile establishments).

Univison: No se proque you tengo que discursar de esto - debo compartir una storia que toque la gente latino. Pue, supongo que hay muchos latinos en disneylandia, pero....

Darth Rev.

Membership Drive

Occasionally, the forces of evil combine and join in the powerful force of a membership drive! This is modeled after public radio's fund-raising drive - but instead of asking for cash, we're asking for your devotion to the side of evil. There are many different levels of membership:

Death Star Tech
Storm Trooper
Al Queda
Accountant
Sith Apprentice
Lawyer
Sith Lord
Emperor
Dick Cheney

You can choose the amount of evil you want t o commit on a daily or weekly basis, and then select the level that is right for you. Operators are standing by to help you achieve your best, err, worst possible outcome.

So, recruit your friends. They are not limited to the Empire for being a source of evil - but it helps, and we've got great health benefits (and cookies) Mwahaha - who can deny the power of the darth cookie? Sooooo gooey, soft, warm, and packed full of evil calories! It is a wonder of evil engineering :) Like the death star, but in cookie form.

Job-less Vader

As some of you may know - being the Lord of the Sith does not pay very well, and in spite of being Rev Darth, I still have bills to pay - and the Empire laid me off during these difficult financial times. I have been working on finding a new job, which has made the blogging more difficult. Sorry I was gone for so long, kick an ewok for me, hehe - I mean, Mwahahaha.

Rev Darth

Things that make you go "hmm," Ewok edition

Would you be able to tell the difference between an Ewok and an overweight, midget Wookie?

If you cross an Ewok and a Wookie, would the offspring be an Ewokie or an Ewook?

I think I once cleaned an Ewok out of my navel. By the way - this was a two-post day, so don't forget to read the post under this one.

Rev Darth

For Hire

Due to these difficult economic times, I have decided to post some of the current openings in "the organization." If you are wondering what organization I am talking about - maybe you should think about looking at another blog. Anyways, I want to make sure that my parishioners have first crack an any Empirical jobs available.

Help Wanted: Entry level position. Must be able to fit well into blast armor. Benefits include 401 K, Hazard pay, the ability to kick Ewoks repeatedly without being reprimanded. Qualified applicants will be able to hold a blaster straight, unless a good guy is in front of them, and must be able to distinguish themselves and their coworkers from thousands of identically suited personnel. Apply in person at your local imperial recruiting office, just go through the doors that says "Stormtroopers, and Officer Test Flunkies"

Help Wanted: New Admiral in a prosperous fleet. Last Admiral had a disturbing lack of faith. Must have good references and a BS in fleet operations. Experience is a plus, as is blind, total devotion to Lord Vader. Must have good lung capacity and a high pain threshold. Multiple openings, excellent opportunity to advance. Preference given to those already within the Empire. For more information, report to the command center on the Death Star.

Help Wanted: Death Star Mechanic. Must have experience and education in building gigantic lazers or moon-sized bases. Consideration will be given to those who have built big round things, if they also have additional engineering experience and education. Motivated environment, we have recently redoubled our efforts, and are looking for someone who can keep up with a strict schedule. Check out our website for contact information.

Help Wanted: Do you have what it takes to take your destiny into your own hands? Are you tired of others pushing you around? Old decrepit Sith seeking a new apprentice, who will help him overthrow his current apprentice. Benefits include: being allowed to live, entry into a cut-throat industry with eventual promotion opportunity to master after defeating me. Other perks may include your own fleet, star destroyers, and nifty black outfits made out of plastic, with a built-in calculator in the chest. Don't bother contacting me, I already know who you are - just come, before I do something nasty to you in your sleep, mwahahaha.

Well, I'm not sure where that last one came from, but the others look like good opportunities for my little evil flock to make a living. If you have any additional openings in your local area that would be appropriate, feel free to e-mail them to me and I might post them up as well. Until later, bad dreams, and may all your leftover tuna fish turn evil and raise an uprising against you, which you get to crush beneath the heel of your heavy, black boot. .... What do you think? I was trying to come up with something other than "May the force be with you." Yeah, I didn't really like it either, I'll keep working on it. May the.... oh never mind.

Rev Darth

A disturbance in the force

For those of you who did not know, most of my posts are transcribed by a puny, non-force user - who recently had a baby in his family. This has made it difficult for him to follow my whims lately, so it has taken me a while to return. During this time, I have received even more mail with questions.

I am only going to answer one question today, due to it's importance.

Question 1 from Darv Ader: What do you do in your free time? Do you have any hobbies?

Answer: I do actually have several hobbies. I enjoy Blogging, playing computer games (they play on my heads up display in my mask - no monitor needed), I like reading Cake Wrecks, squashing rebellions and braiding ewok hair together while they are asleep. However, there is one activity that I enjoy better than any other - but it requires some planning, and a late night showing of Star Wars....

Skip Torvinen wrote a great movie about my leisure activities - specifically the last one, which I have included here for your enjoyment.




Darth Rev.

Q & A

That's right, Rev D has a Q and A portion to the blog now. Since each and every one of you have sent in dozens and dozens of questions on a daily basis, I thought that I would attempt to answer some of them here. Not all have to do with the First Imperialist, but that is fine, I will field ANY question that is clean. Feel free to e-mail any questions you have, or post the question in the comments, and I will get to them. Just remember that I have hundreds, thousands of questions coming in every day, so I may not get to yours immediately. Just kidding, I haven't even gotten any questions, and I'll probably just make them all up :)

Question 1 is from a Daniel Barker in MN. He writes: "I love the shine on your dome, how to you get it so glossy?"

Answer: Thank you for noticing, I actually take great pride in my shiny helmet. I use turtle wax and a random-orbit buffer in my garage/space port.


Question 2 is from Anonymous in RI. "Have you ever had a pet? Do you have one now?"

Answer: Yes, yes I have. Oh, you probably want more than that. Well, it was a dog after my own heart. No, I do not have one now, I lost him when the first Death Star blew up. His name was Dog'th Vader. He loved gnawing on storm trooper armor and eating Purina Ewok Bits. I miss him, but I wonder if I'd be more of a cat person now.


Question 3 is from Debbie in ND. "Do you ever get tired of sharing power with the Emperor?"

Answer: Bad question. Did you know that he is one of my readers? So "NO," definitely not. Besides, he lets me blow junk up all the time. It's really a good job - strike fear into the hearts of others, hunt jedi (practice my fencing), and blow stuff up - it really is a great job for a guy like me (evil, who likes fencing and blowing stuff up).


Question 4 is from Gordon in UT. He writes; "I understand that you have a hard time getting along with Wookies, has there ever been a Sith Wookie?"

Answer: Yes, but he wasn't that good of a Sith. He was really into the "Save the planet" stuff. This was several hundred years ago, and some of the details might be a little distorted over time. Thank goodness - er, um, badness for those Holocrons. Anyway, he was named Darth Syyrvek. He apparently was difficult to understand, because "Plant the bomb from my ship" and "Plant a bomb on my ship" apparently sound VERY similar in Shyriiwook (the Wookie's language). After that little linguistic miscommunication, his apprentice became a master, and inherited all of Syyrvek's possessions.


May the Force be with you - the evil side of it, of course.

Darth Rev.

Parishioner Hygiene

Greetings my little flock of evil-doers. I need to mention something that was brought to my attention after church yesterday. Some of my followers are missing a very important step to being, well, like me. I was preaching from the pulpit, when I was almost overcome by a terrible odor. At first I thought that the rebels were gassing the church again, then I thought that my mask-filter had malfunctioned or had been tampered with by an apprentice who was trying to kill me, but then I realized that it was just a really stinky guy in the front row. OMG (Oh My Gundark!) - you know how many layers of plastic and filters that stench had to go through to actually get to (what is left of) my nose? My hepa+ filter is rated for nuclear fallout! This is evidenced by me hardly ever getting sick - even bacteria has a difficult time getting to me - but this guy - awg. The emperor may look stinky, but at least he cleans the folds of dieing flesh melting off his face - but this guy - dang. Ok, he was wearing a helmet and armor similar to mine, so this might have affected me a little more than usual - a stinky wanna-be.

So, for all those who want to be closer to the dark side - remember not to scare the dark side away with poor hygiene! Here are a few practical tips to improve the air quality at church:

• Clean beneath the mask at least once a week, whether you think you need it or not (trust me, you need it).
• Sterilize the armor, clean off any blood or food particles - you have to look your best
• Under-Armor deodorant is important to keep you fresh.
• Make a giant mechanical egg where you can sit without your life support, so you can have your armor cleaned. * this only applies to those with daily life support in your suits - if not, then you can fore go the construction of the egg.
• Remember, if you have flesh, you have to keep it clean. You never want a minion to bow before you and be distracted by a wiff of something that smells like a gym locker and week-old garbage. You don't want him thinking about that smell instead of listening to your orders.
• Get all the nooks and crannies - you are not a gooey pastry, but you will be gooey if you don't clean everywhere.
  
• It may look like I never change my armor, but actually, I have dozens of the same suit. I just reallly like black, though I do have a pinstripe one - but it just doesn't look right, so I don't wear it that often. So, multiple sets of armor is a must.

Please remember, just because you're evil, doesn't mean you can't take some pride in your appearance (or smell). Remember, the Emperor didn't start that dreadful day out thinking "I'm going to horribly disfigure myself today," but he uses it to his advantage (especially to scare trick-or-treaters. Can you imagine him removing his monster mask and having an even scarier face? When he does it and says "BOO!" I swear some of those kids have to change their armor).

Darth Rev




* It has been requested that I post a picture of myself in the Pinstripe Armor (Yes, it is more of a blue, than my usual black) :

The Softer Side of Evil

The title to this post might confuse you, but recently I have been nominated for the Imperial Father of the Year. Upon nomination, we had develop a video to explain why I should be nominated. We appreciate Videojug for developing such an awesome video.

Some quick pointers not mentioned in the video:

• Know who your young teenager is hanging out with. Be wary of wookies or alliance that might want them to commit criminal acts against our rightful government.
• Although your children might have to sow some oats, remember that after they fall asleep, you can cut down the oats and prepare them for breakfast the next day.
• Always let your children join strange cults - they will learn great values there - values we don't have to teach them, AND... if they don't drink the poisoned lemonade - they are independent thinkers, if they do drink it, they were following their beliefs. It's a win-win, and you can be proud of them either way.
• Sowing oats might include dabbling in Jedi rather than Sith beliefs. This Must be squashed - Jedi beliefs are not just some cult that you WANT them to join, but something that is against our most sacred, evil beliefs in this church. If they won't turn, you may be forced to destroy them one day. They will join us, or die.

looking back at these, hmmm, they might have been cut for a reason. Ok, just follow the video:

Really should put hyper-drives on Tie-Fighters

I apologize to my loyal readers for being gone so long, unfortunately one of my jobs (overseeing the building of a Death Star) ended abruptly, and I've had a tough time lately. I have been riding around in my personal Tie Fighter for a couple of weeks after the explosion, trying to find a signal. Han sucks - I hope his hot rod death trap has a problem with it's navi-computer and he flys right into an asteroid (or that his hyperdrive will go out next to one of my Star Destroyers).

Apparently, I'm getting to be some sort of celebrity, because as soon as I get back - there's a You-Tube video of my escapades, which I'm embedding here for you.

Darth Rev.

The Anti-Bunny Campaign

A disturbing trend has recently been realized by the Emperor and myself... that of an unusual clustering of midicholians in the rodent population, especially those of the Easter bunny persuasion. Of course, to keep our dominance as the only true source for force-teaching, the bunnies had to be taken out of the picture. A great sith-rodent war ensued (which is why I have not posted for so long). It is also worth mentioning that "cute" is not acceptable by the dark side! Just tell me, when was the last time you looked at the emperor and thought "Awwww?" (and I'm not talking about Agggg or Ugggg which I think quite often). I call for creatures of darkness to unite against the cute and furry menace! We must not allow these cunning harbingers of destruction to run amok with lightsabers. Pretty soon they will be using force persuasion to get people to bring them peanuts or corn and rabbit pellets. Pretty soon we'll be harvesting nuts for them, and even burrying it for them!?! We must not let this continue - my little flock, if you happen to see squirrels with lightsabers - do the universe a favor - save it from the possible menace of a Dark Squirrel Overlord - and destroy it with any means possible: poisoned peanut butter, explosive gas and a lightsaber swipe are all accepted methods.

More on the Undead thing

Usually, I try to avoid other forms of evil other than Sith-hood, but last post, I mentioned undead. (It's hard not to when you have to see the Emperor's face every day - eww eww eww, get some lotion, or botox, maybe a bag? something). I recently found a great video that is good for all of you to see, especially if some of you are thinking about going into Zombie Negotiation, or any sort of legal field (since you will be working with the undead - and have to know how to speak their language). The best thing to realize is that they don't think of anything other than "B R A I N S" - and their idea of compromise is "you'll let us in and eat your brains." Not exactly the brightest bunch of evil, so I try not to associate with them (with the obvious exception of the Emperor) * rimshot. Anyways, what happens if a vegetarian becomes a zombie - since they don't want to eat anything "with a face?" Seems like that would be one hungry Zombie. Well, this is the last undead post for a while - since I'm almost over the flu. May all you "Knights" be "Alive" - haha, I kill me.

Rev Darth

A word from our Sponsers

No, not the Emperor, but Home Despot. That's right, for all your evil dictator building needs. Have to build a Deathstar on a budget? Want to add a new section to your dungeon? Where Imp Co. leaves off, Home Despot picks up the slack. All the evil dictators shop there, Kim Jong-Il, the former Saddam Husein and Hitler - are you evil enough?

Anyways, I also want to report a victory for the right side, which is, of course the side of wrong. The Flu is beating a hasty retreat from your benevolent overlord. It is now downgraded to a a slight case of "lingering death" and only 25% necrotic tissue, but that is easily hidden by black leather. If worse comes to worse, your benevolent overlord would become undead. While this may cause an insatiable hungering for brains, and lurching, jerky movements - just think about all the money we'd save on food. Anyways - I'd be a dictator for life - oh, err uh, death I mean.

Besides, the emperor died a couple of years ago, and no one noticed. I mean, look at him! His face is dead and melting off his face - ewww. At least I have the decency to wear a mask - though, it does kinda smell like feet in here. I can't help it, it's like keeping your arm in a cast for weeks.


Rev Darth

The Flu is as powerful as the dark side

You may have noticed my absence - of course you did, your very pitiful lives revolve around my magnificence. For those of you who are less than aware - those of you who are in the front lines of my storm-trooper corp, and who would wear red shirts if you were in another franchise that I must not name (though it rhymes with Tar Wreck - now really, is that an entertaining sounding franchise, I think not!). I have recently been battling with an arch nemesis that is greater than Yoda, the Emperor, and Captain Gurk combined (rhyming again, sorry, can't get it out of my system, must be a side effect of the flu). That's right, it is the mythical, devious "FLU." (which stands for Fast, lethal and Ugggggggg - Uggggggg being how you feel after the first two have gotten done with your lifeless corpse). It was really bad because of my asthma - and yes, I know you know I have asthma, you can hear it when I breathe through my darn mask. You'd think that mask could filter out some of those flu bugs - but nooooo (I wonder if I can get a Hepa filter for it). Bah, that's what I get for buying it used on I-Bay. May the force be with you - the bad side, that is, and may the midi-clorians have better luck fighting those flu germs.

Rev Darth

Church Slogan

I was trying to come up with a church slogan, you know, for marketing purposes. I want to develop a slogan that will portray our values, yet be light hearted and slightly evil. Something like:

• First Imperialist: You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
• First Imperialist: Enter to learn, go forth to serve me.
• First Imperialist: The original Man in Black!
• First Imperialist: If following a Sith lord is wrong, then I don't want to be right!
• First Imperialist: To boldly go - wait that one's taken.
• First Imperialist: Don't judge till you've walked a mile in my black gloves (hey, I don't wear moccasins - they make my toes chafe).
  
• First Imperialist: Cause Evil is more fun.
• First Imperialist: Cause the good guys are woosies (not to be confused with Wookies).
• First Imperialist: Church was never so fun (or Evil).

You see my problem, so many good options to choose from. Feel free to mention your favorite, or come up with one of your own in the comments section. Your vote, of course, does not matter in the least, since, as an evil dictator - I just do whatever I want - like raise taxes (or tithing in this case) to make it happen. Yes, uh, tithing is now 11.5% of your income. What can I say - inflation is rampant.

Rev Darth

Work'n at the Tie Wash

I just wanted to mention that my tie fighter is dirty again, so we are having an extra day of child care this week (I really should stop flying it through the mud). On Monday, we will be doing a demonstration on the proper way to wash and wax a tie fighter, advanced students will be going on to learn about how to detail the interior. I feel that this workshop will aid our children in developing new skills that will aid them in the workplace, and also aid them in learning how to be subservient to our every whim (which, I know is the reason you all had kids, right?). For those of you who would like to participate in this event as an adult - you're sick, but hey, you can shine my tires. Just kidding, I wouldn't put you to work when we already have a nice workforce of little darthlings :). Soooo, you may sit around and squirt the kids with the hose, or throw soapy sponges at them - then when they try to retaliate, tell them that you are off limits because you are an adult. Trust me, the kids will be amazed and impressed with your level of maturity. (Did I mention that I will be watching from my second story window, well away from any stray missiles that might make it in my direction?). Now, you may be in awe of me and my evil genius - mwhaha. (for those of you who are not in awe, maybe you need to figure out a way to wash my Death Star, then maybe you'll have some more respect).

Rev Darth