Parishioner Hygiene

Greetings my little flock of evil-doers. I need to mention something that was brought to my attention after church yesterday. Some of my followers are missing a very important step to being, well, like me. I was preaching from the pulpit, when I was almost overcome by a terrible odor. At first I thought that the rebels were gassing the church again, then I thought that my mask-filter had malfunctioned or had been tampered with by an apprentice who was trying to kill me, but then I realized that it was just a really stinky guy in the front row. OMG (Oh My Gundark!) - you know how many layers of plastic and filters that stench had to go through to actually get to (what is left of) my nose? My hepa+ filter is rated for nuclear fallout! This is evidenced by me hardly ever getting sick - even bacteria has a difficult time getting to me - but this guy - awg. The emperor may look stinky, but at least he cleans the folds of dieing flesh melting off his face - but this guy - dang. Ok, he was wearing a helmet and armor similar to mine, so this might have affected me a little more than usual - a stinky wanna-be.

So, for all those who want to be closer to the dark side - remember not to scare the dark side away with poor hygiene! Here are a few practical tips to improve the air quality at church:

• Clean beneath the mask at least once a week, whether you think you need it or not (trust me, you need it).
• Sterilize the armor, clean off any blood or food particles - you have to look your best
• Under-Armor deodorant is important to keep you fresh.
• Make a giant mechanical egg where you can sit without your life support, so you can have your armor cleaned. * this only applies to those with daily life support in your suits - if not, then you can fore go the construction of the egg.
• Remember, if you have flesh, you have to keep it clean. You never want a minion to bow before you and be distracted by a wiff of something that smells like a gym locker and week-old garbage. You don't want him thinking about that smell instead of listening to your orders.
• Get all the nooks and crannies - you are not a gooey pastry, but you will be gooey if you don't clean everywhere.
  
• It may look like I never change my armor, but actually, I have dozens of the same suit. I just reallly like black, though I do have a pinstripe one - but it just doesn't look right, so I don't wear it that often. So, multiple sets of armor is a must.

Please remember, just because you're evil, doesn't mean you can't take some pride in your appearance (or smell). Remember, the Emperor didn't start that dreadful day out thinking "I'm going to horribly disfigure myself today," but he uses it to his advantage (especially to scare trick-or-treaters. Can you imagine him removing his monster mask and having an even scarier face? When he does it and says "BOO!" I swear some of those kids have to change their armor).

Darth Rev




* It has been requested that I post a picture of myself in the Pinstripe Armor (Yes, it is more of a blue, than my usual black) :