More on the Undead thing

Usually, I try to avoid other forms of evil other than Sith-hood, but last post, I mentioned undead. (It's hard not to when you have to see the Emperor's face every day - eww eww eww, get some lotion, or botox, maybe a bag? something). I recently found a great video that is good for all of you to see, especially if some of you are thinking about going into Zombie Negotiation, or any sort of legal field (since you will be working with the undead - and have to know how to speak their language). The best thing to realize is that they don't think of anything other than "B R A I N S" - and their idea of compromise is "you'll let us in and eat your brains." Not exactly the brightest bunch of evil, so I try not to associate with them (with the obvious exception of the Emperor) * rimshot. Anyways, what happens if a vegetarian becomes a zombie - since they don't want to eat anything "with a face?" Seems like that would be one hungry Zombie. Well, this is the last undead post for a while - since I'm almost over the flu. May all you "Knights" be "Alive" - haha, I kill me.

Rev Darth

A word from our Sponsers

No, not the Emperor, but Home Despot. That's right, for all your evil dictator building needs. Have to build a Deathstar on a budget? Want to add a new section to your dungeon? Where Imp Co. leaves off, Home Despot picks up the slack. All the evil dictators shop there, Kim Jong-Il, the former Saddam Husein and Hitler - are you evil enough?

Anyways, I also want to report a victory for the right side, which is, of course the side of wrong. The Flu is beating a hasty retreat from your benevolent overlord. It is now downgraded to a a slight case of "lingering death" and only 25% necrotic tissue, but that is easily hidden by black leather. If worse comes to worse, your benevolent overlord would become undead. While this may cause an insatiable hungering for brains, and lurching, jerky movements - just think about all the money we'd save on food. Anyways - I'd be a dictator for life - oh, err uh, death I mean.

Besides, the emperor died a couple of years ago, and no one noticed. I mean, look at him! His face is dead and melting off his face - ewww. At least I have the decency to wear a mask - though, it does kinda smell like feet in here. I can't help it, it's like keeping your arm in a cast for weeks.


Rev Darth

The Flu is as powerful as the dark side

You may have noticed my absence - of course you did, your very pitiful lives revolve around my magnificence. For those of you who are less than aware - those of you who are in the front lines of my storm-trooper corp, and who would wear red shirts if you were in another franchise that I must not name (though it rhymes with Tar Wreck - now really, is that an entertaining sounding franchise, I think not!). I have recently been battling with an arch nemesis that is greater than Yoda, the Emperor, and Captain Gurk combined (rhyming again, sorry, can't get it out of my system, must be a side effect of the flu). That's right, it is the mythical, devious "FLU." (which stands for Fast, lethal and Ugggggggg - Uggggggg being how you feel after the first two have gotten done with your lifeless corpse). It was really bad because of my asthma - and yes, I know you know I have asthma, you can hear it when I breathe through my darn mask. You'd think that mask could filter out some of those flu bugs - but nooooo (I wonder if I can get a Hepa filter for it). Bah, that's what I get for buying it used on I-Bay. May the force be with you - the bad side, that is, and may the midi-clorians have better luck fighting those flu germs.

Rev Darth

Church Slogan

I was trying to come up with a church slogan, you know, for marketing purposes. I want to develop a slogan that will portray our values, yet be light hearted and slightly evil. Something like:

• First Imperialist: You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
• First Imperialist: Enter to learn, go forth to serve me.
• First Imperialist: The original Man in Black!
• First Imperialist: If following a Sith lord is wrong, then I don't want to be right!
• First Imperialist: To boldly go - wait that one's taken.
• First Imperialist: Don't judge till you've walked a mile in my black gloves (hey, I don't wear moccasins - they make my toes chafe).
  
• First Imperialist: Cause Evil is more fun.
• First Imperialist: Cause the good guys are woosies (not to be confused with Wookies).
• First Imperialist: Church was never so fun (or Evil).

You see my problem, so many good options to choose from. Feel free to mention your favorite, or come up with one of your own in the comments section. Your vote, of course, does not matter in the least, since, as an evil dictator - I just do whatever I want - like raise taxes (or tithing in this case) to make it happen. Yes, uh, tithing is now 11.5% of your income. What can I say - inflation is rampant.

Rev Darth

Work'n at the Tie Wash

I just wanted to mention that my tie fighter is dirty again, so we are having an extra day of child care this week (I really should stop flying it through the mud). On Monday, we will be doing a demonstration on the proper way to wash and wax a tie fighter, advanced students will be going on to learn about how to detail the interior. I feel that this workshop will aid our children in developing new skills that will aid them in the workplace, and also aid them in learning how to be subservient to our every whim (which, I know is the reason you all had kids, right?). For those of you who would like to participate in this event as an adult - you're sick, but hey, you can shine my tires. Just kidding, I wouldn't put you to work when we already have a nice workforce of little darthlings :). Soooo, you may sit around and squirt the kids with the hose, or throw soapy sponges at them - then when they try to retaliate, tell them that you are off limits because you are an adult. Trust me, the kids will be amazed and impressed with your level of maturity. (Did I mention that I will be watching from my second story window, well away from any stray missiles that might make it in my direction?). Now, you may be in awe of me and my evil genius - mwhaha. (for those of you who are not in awe, maybe you need to figure out a way to wash my Death Star, then maybe you'll have some more respect).

Rev Darth

Gloves Gloves Gloves!!!

Wonderful News everyone - Black Leather Gloves are on sale at Imp Co. They are a spectacular Imperial outlet store, check them out here. Stock up, because force lightning is murder on the fingertips on your gloves. Each time I fry someone with force lightning, I have to replace my gloves. I think I'm going to get like 50, or maybe 100. They are on sale for about 12 Imperial credits, just 12 Imperial credits! I'm so excited. Also, Imp Co. is a wonderful source for all of your imperialistic, evil and Sith needs. I got my first star destroyer there.

Rev Darth

Important Issues for Safety

I know that many of you have to travel several light years to attend our little congregation. I wanted to bring up a very important issue for all of you travelers: Metal Fatigue. How many times have we gotten into our space cruisers and not done our pre-flight check of the exterior of our space craft? I know that I'm guilty of this all the time. We just sashay into our ship, flip on the astro navigator and fire up the hyperdrive without thinking "what if my shields failed, and my outer hull couldn't handle the pressure?" I had a friend who lately had a minor power fluctuation in his power grid, and then was imploded to the size of a grape. You might ask how I came by this knowledge, since I obviously wasn't with him? That's obvious for any good member of my congregation - I'm the one that caused the power fluctuation. You have to keep your friends on their toes, I find constant exposure to danger and an understanding of how fleeting their lives are helps keep them humble - especially if you are the source of the danger. Anyway - what was a minor prank ended in death due to metal fatigue - alright, maybe I caused the metal fatigue also, photon torpedoes have been known to do that. But, I digress - please check for metal fatigue, just be careful that there isn't anyone around that can kick the jack out while you are under your spacecraft.

Rev Darth

Guest Speaker

Darth Vindicus will be making another appearance as a guest speaker next Sunday. We hope you will all be in attendance, and put up a good showing. We want to reassure you that the force lightning that killed the first couple of rows last time was meant as a demonstration, and is not the norm. Darth Vindicus does not plan to vaporize a large portion of our following, but he does not discount that possibility either. Get your free tickets now, they are going fast*

Rev Darth


*there are still plenty of tickets in the first and second rows.

Church Signs

Someone, who will remain unnamed (but I'm looking at you Udzark Uzkazakstan) has complained that some of the messages on our church board is insensitive to certain ethnic species, including a hatred towards Wookies. I have prepared a statement to address these concerns:

*ha- Ummg (clearing my throat)

I have not, nor will I ever condone the possibility of allowing Wookies to hold positions in the church, however they are welcome to attend, if they are willing to take all the public hazing and small spikey objects I can throw at them from the podium. The presence of Wookies does not bother me, it's their existence and their ties to the rebellion that has me irked. For badness's sake, they helped Yoda escape! What a bunch of furry lil' traitors, they're big and furry, they should be mean and on our side, but nooooo, they're good in general. Bah! Show me some mean, onery Wookies, and I'll show you a perfect minion/bodyguard. But, if they can be turned, a great ally they would make, so make it so, invite your Wookie neighbors, but don't come crying to me if they get something pointy sticking our of their heads cause it was flung from the podium.

Your Benevolant Overlord,
Rev Darth




P.S. This week's sign is dedicated to Udzark Uzkazakstan.

Upcoming Activites

We have just revised out schedule for activities and daily themes, and I'm posting it here for easy access.

Wednesday March 18th: Grovel to your loved ones day. This is a nice opportunity to make nice to those that allow you to live. Have a spouse? They let you live, so grovel. Groveling improves family unity and allows your little darthlings to know who really is in charge (probably the one who is not reading this).

• 7:00 - Chorus does chorus line practice (yes, they can really move in those stormtrooper uniforms)
• Concurrent with the Chorus practice is child care, they will be washing my Tie Fighter.
  

Thursday March 19th: Grovel to the Rev. day.

• I accept Imperial credits, gold, jewels and baked goods (NO COCONUT PLEASE)
  
• No activities are planned - just think about me all day - and bring me stuff.
  

Friday March 20th: 7:00 -Youth Raid and Dance afterward. They will be storming a rebel strong hold, and afterward, a dance will be held on the deceased rebel scum. An Ewok percussion unit will be providing the music.

Saturday March 21st: Church Pot Luck!!! I know you are all bringing something (you'd better be, I know where you go to church - don't make me get all Sith on you!). If you have not been contacted about something specific to bring, it is broken down to this by last name:

• A-N; Some sort of meat, cooked preferably. Mynocks are not edible, unless they have been marinated overnight before cooking, so think ahead).

• N-T; Desserts (no Wookie-Cookies, unless they are made with real wookie).

• U-Z; I don't think there is anyone in this category, so just bring, um, rolls. Yeah, we all like rolls, or salad. Or cash, yeah - uh you guys have to pay to get in. I'm looking at you Udzark Uzkazakstan!

Sunday March 22nd: Church. We will be meeting at 12:00, and there is children's programing provided, which we call Primarily-Evil. Boy do I feel sorry for the nursery workers - since they are raising the next generation of evil, at such a tender age.

3-4 yrs are in the "Photons" They sing "Rev Darth wants me for a Pho - ton"
4-5 yrs are "Death Stars" (watch out for their exhaust ports)
5-6 yrs are "Star Destroyers"
6-7 yrs are "Super Star Destroyers"
7-8 yrs "CTS As" Choose the Sith
8-9 yrs "CTS Bs" Choose the Sith
9-10 yrs "Valiant to the ends" They sing "My Lord needs Val - iant Min-ions"
10-11 yrs are "Apprentices"
11-12 yrs are in "Lazers" for boys and "Merry Miss-chief Makers" for girls

Any older, and they should be in my militia, and attending sunday school, like a good little drone.

Rev Darth

Storm Trooper Chorus FAQ

Some of you have shown interest in joining the Storm Trooper Chorus group, so I am posting this FAQ:

Yes, you do have to be a storm trooper to join
Yes, you do have to pledge unfailing loyalty to me (or the emperor if he's watching)
No, you can't be a member of the rebel alliance, or a spy
Yes, you do get additional health care benefits (it pays to work for the government)
No, there are no "Wookie Size" storm trooper outfits, though there may be custom orders available, I just don't know.
Yes, you may bring your Ewok friends, but they have to be spayed or neutered first
Yes, there is day care/youth indoctrination - same thing, right?
No, your settings do not have to be on stun, we actually prefer it not to be, it makes life much more interesting when a blaster accidentally goes off and fries a baritone.
Yes, there are several samples of our work out there, here's one:

Child Care Available

We will be offering a new indoctrination program - er, uh child care for tired parents who want to go on an evil bender of destruction together.

Your children will learn valuable tools, such as line formation, discipline, and complete and utter loyalty to ME!!! or, uh, the First Imperialist ideals (which does include complete and utter loyalty to me - just don't tell the emperor).

Rev. Darth

You WILL Subscribe

*Rev Darth lightly waves his right hand, and implants a force suggestion in your head "you WILL subscribe"

And then he waves his hand once again "and please bring snacks to Saturday's Pot luck"

Rev. Darth

First Imperialist Church of Star Wars is up

Tired of all the goody goody Republic Churches preaching, telling you to be good, listen to the force, join the rebellion? Bah! Join a religion with some teeth! (and an enormous military complex). Check out the First Church of the Imperialist. Find out how being bad can be good for you. Earn a Sith title, or if you are not interested in the priesthood, foot soldiers, religous zealots and evil engineers are always welcome.

Remember - the Dark Side is more fun

• Sunday Worship Service from a "Darth" preacher
• Saturday Study sessions
• Ewok slaughtering events mid-week
• Storm Trooper Chorus group

Rev Darth