Kneel

I'm impressive, even in Lego.





















Fear Me,
Darth Rev.

Side of Ewok

While on the theme of entrepreneurs, I would be remiss if I didn't mention one of my minions who advanced from sous chef to managing his own restaurant. He graduated from my evil culinary school, before I started First Imperialist. I may have to do a post later talking about the evils involved with cooking (you already know my stance on poisoned pastries).

He made the best sauces by the way, and could make anything into a feast. Right now, his restaurant is including a free side with dinner: a head of Ewok.


This is a real boon to his business - people flock from systems away to try this delicacy. It's a delicacy because no one wants to fly to Endor, traipse about a jungle moon, hunt down a feral midget wookie, just to take his head, and bake it (I can't tell you what else he does to the head, but it's delicious, anyways - it's a trade secret).

It is very delicious, if you don't mind picking ewok hair out of your food.... and you thought that the chilled monkey brains in Indiana Jones looked good?! Hah - just wait till you screw off the skull from an Ewok - Mmmmmm. It makes what's left of my mouth water just thinking about it. Don't believe me? I find your lack of faith annoying.

If you do not have hyperspace technology, I suggest you just keep this on your "places I'd like to visit before I die" list, right up there with Disney World or the Dunes of Sarlac. He might have a different special in place by the time you get there, but there are lots of semi-sentient races in our universe that tastes great with gravy.

Darth Rev

Pimp my Rev

no comments needed

go forth and be evil, or at least ornery and ill-tempered with frick'n lazer beams...

Darth Rev, more machine now than man; twisted and evil :)

If only they were evil laughs

Alright, I know that this doesn't really fit with my blog - but for those of you who have not seen this - it is a must see. You can't watch this without smiling. The little ones are so cute. I'll just hope that some day, their cuteness will be used for evil, much like Darth Elmo.

Darth Rev

Palpatine's Marketing

This is why I thought that it would be alright for me to start my toaster line - even Palpatine is getting into the marketing thing. He not only has his complete guide to facial care, but he has his own line of health care products - move over Mary Kay!

Tired of looking like you are only 35, when you are actually 40? Well, with Palpatine's skin regiment, not only will your skin look years older, but you will gain serious freaky points towards your evil aura.

Don't kids want to look older? Trust me, the Emperor never gets carded, though I suppose he could use a Sith mind trick if he did. "You already saw my identification, you want to buy me a slurpee." I know I've had a few free slurpees in my day - but I digress. Skin care. Forget free radicals, think midichlorians!

Honest - this stuff works, I tried it on a baby a few years ago - and BAM! - Dick Cheney!

Speaking of Dick Cheney, some people have wondered why I keep mentioning him. Well, it's no wonder to those who have actually met him - he and the emperor are one in the same!

There used to be some speculation that he was actually my father. I just have to say "That's not true! That's impossible!" Besides, we all know that I was born from a virgin, who conceived via midichlorians - those horny little microscopic organisms. Though, he does look good in my armor, shame it took me weeks to get the smell out.

By the way, I'm tired of everyone complaining saying that I'm not the first one to be immaculately conceived and start a religion! I know, I know - but I don't think that you can really compare me to Jesus - I mean, I don't have a Mexican accent. Stop groaning - it was a joke, I know you mean the Jewish carpenter, not my gardener.

Have an evil day - and let the bed bugs bite - haha, I just wanted to see if you'd do it. I'll be looking for little red welts on Sunday.

Darth Rev

Evil Cake

One thing that our new followers might not have realized is that evil has a sweet tooth. This lust for sweets and the lust for evil and power becomes a dangerous situation for some, as illustrated by this cake from Cake Wrecks.

Cake Wrecks is definitely one of the better blogs in the world. In spite of it's limited focus on evil, there are plenty of examples of evil cakes - both intentional and accidental. If you ever want to know how a pastry can be evil (not counting calories or the occasional poisoned cake), just ask Jen about the dreaded CCC (Cup-Cake Cake). It is my belief that some day the CCC will join the empire and attempt to destroy civilization as we know it. It will make an ugly cake - but hey, there's frosting.

But I sense that you have a question - and I'm proud of you for asking, because it shows just how evil you are, and that you want to get your worst enemies (or perhaps a wookie) a cake. An EVIL cake, a poisoned cake - with or without bon bons.

You have to go no farther than http://brog.engrish.com/ to find the perfect bakery for evil baked goods. Of course, you may have to take a long flight to the other side of the world.

Mmmmm poisoned cupcakes. That's how Darth Sweet-tooth died. Of course, his apprentice gave him the cupcake, and with the power of the force, Darth Sweet-tooth found out that it was poisoned, but alas, it just looked sooooo good with those deadly sprinkles that he ate it anyway. Hey, I never said that evil was smart, sometimes evil is just dumb - like in world's dumbest criminals.


Darth Rev

Loyal Fan

An "Open" protest rally, where you can protest anything you want. Oh, the loyalty - trying to get the message out. Spread that message of hate (against the alliance), intolerance (of anything Wookie), and available cookies!

Remember, the dark side is just more fun. Next time you're in a protest - show your pride by using a random sign kept in your trunk, advertising First Imperialist! Mwahaha.

Now go, my little flock - Spread the word - and kick an Ewok for me.
Darth Rev

My Marketing Idea - Who doesn't like toast?

First of all - Who doesn't like toast, but it's even better when you can start the day off with a bit of evil in bread form! Start you day off by eating my head burned into toast - hmmm, maybe I didn't think this one out so well.

The toaster works on regular electricity - but uses midichlorians to make the design. You know what's on the other side of the toast? ... The backside of my helmet!!! Hahaha, I thought that would be funny. No? well, who asked you then? Bah. Well, keep putting money in the collection plate, that way I can finance these great ideas. Come to think of it, the back of my helmet does kinda look like a burned smudge all over the bread. Guess I'm just not as smart as the other entrepreneurs, just wait till you see Lando's.

Maybe I need a catchy slogan to go along with my toaster. Maybe something like:

• It's the dark side - in bread form
• Start your day off by eating a sith head
• No day is complete without gazing upon the image of Darth Rev
• It's like instant sacrament from the toaster!
• This toast boosts your midichlorian count
• That's not burnt toast - that's just some evil on it

Of course I need to put a disclaimer on it:

• Not available on alliance planets
• Not all claims have been verified by the FDA
• The FDA has no way of measuring "evil," though it can tell you how many calories are in Tofu
• The Empire is not responsible for your burnt toast
• Don't leave the bread in too long, stupid.
• There is no "light" setting on purpose! Just dark or darker toast, it's an evil thing.
• Evil Toast may be hazardous to small pets and Ewoks

Have an unpleasant day, and may all your stuffed animals turn evil and try to revolt - then you can show them the true power of the dark side! Just make one of your minions clean up the batting afterwards.

Darth Rev

Marketing, marketing everywhere

In this economy, there are so many get rich schemes - and more and more people are trying to start their own businesses. The Empire's cronies are also trying to make a buck any way they know how.

Normally, I despise this type of behavior - trying to make a buck off the empire, or the Star Wars universe in general is pretty pathetic - and what about poor ole Lucas? Doesn't he need the millions of residuals himself? just think about how hard this economic downturn is on the super-rich! They have to use only one or two nannies, downsize to two butlers and a driver or two. They are used to such luxury that they need every dime of their millions per month. But I digress - like a good sith, you want to know "what's in it for you?"

That's easy - money. All you need is an idea and a business plan. This week, I want to inspire you by looking at some of the products that our entrepreneurial brotheren have been marketing. Some of these include the emperor himself, Lando, a Storm Trooper Cafe and more, so stay tuned.

Darth Rev